D’var Torah Hayei Sarah – 5785

Do you remember this song from Fiddler on the Roof:

“Tevye: Do you love me?

Golde: Do I what?

Tevye: Do you love me?

Golde: Do I love you?

With our daughters getting married and this trouble in the town,

You’re upset. You want out. Go inside. Go lie down.

Maybe it’s indigestion.”

Recently I was thinking a good deal about the fact that with so much going on in Israel, around the world and even here, in the United States, we forget to talk about LOVE. Unfortunately, we constantly worry – no wonder we are called the “anxious generation.”

We are so wrapped up in the news about wars, politics, natural disasters and other calamities that our minds are preoccupied with the global issues. As a result, we become agitated and stressed, which leads to lack of sleep, which, in turn, causes us to be less productive, and even more agitated.

When we find ourselves in such a state of mind, we begin to take it out on our family members and friends. It is a cycle we cannot break. We snap at our spouses, children, and parents. We fail to find joy in life. We don’t allow ourselves to love both emotionally and physically.

Meanwhile, life is passing by with record speed. Don’t you find that each year is going by faster than the previous one? So what are we doing? Why are we making our short time on earth so miserable for ourselves? I am not saying we should not pay attention to the news or not engage in activism. But if we focus only on these challenges 24/7 then we will drive ourselves and people around us nuts.

I am talking from experience. I too begin and end my day with the news from Israel. I installed an app at the beginning of the war that alerts me when sirens are going off in every part of Israel. It buzzes constantly, which definitely adds to my already high stress level. I am worried sick for my family and friends there. In fact, I would say 90% of the conversations I am having are about Israel and antisemitism around the world.

Luckily, I have two daughters who are mature enough to remind me that there are other things in life and that I cannot bring back the time I spend with them. Therefore, when we are together, we spend part of the time talking about the topics mentioned above and the rest of our time we shift the focus to happier topics, such as books we read, movies or shows we watch, recipes we cook etc. My husband too is good at letting me know when it is time to change the topic and focus on something else (preferably on him).

And so the words of the song “Do You Love Me” resonated with me because Tevye realizes that with all the tzuras (troubles) around him, he just needs the warmth, the embrace, the expression of love from his wife of twenty-five years. And so he persists with his question – “But do you love me”, because he actually wants to hear her say the word “love.” He wants Golde, despite her being swamped with household chores, to show him her love. It is such a human thing to want to love and be loved.

As I read this week’s Torah portion, I wondered how often Abraham, Sarah’s husband, asked her this same question – do you love me? After all, they were together for even longer than twenty-five years and they went through a lot together – including extensive traveling in strange lands, building a new family far away from their relatives, using a surrogate mother to have a child, and finally, after having their own son, Abraham was commanded to sacrifice him. It was this final demand, which, according to the Midrash, broke Sarah’s heart and their marriage. And yet, when Sarah died, Abraham made sure to give her a proper place of burial. He never stopped loving her.

Abraham’s son Isaac had a seemingly smoother marriage to Rebecca. His is the most romantic love story in the Torah. And it has a happy ending! Do you remember how they met? Rebecca showed Isaac her kind and gentle personality by offering water to his servant’s camels. Isaac was smitten by her and they lived a long life together. At the same time, I am sure that even Isaac and Rebecca had ups and downs in their relationship.

Marriage is not a “walk in the park”. It requires a lot of work and compromises on both sides. It also requires that we shift the focus from ourselves to our spouses and vice versa. This can help “cure” us from constantly following the news on social and mainstream media, with its negative connotation. Instead we find the contentment with just taking a walk, having dinner or watching a show together.

It will all pay off when (God willing) we reach old age. Then, just like our ancestors Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, and even  the iconic fictional Tevye and Golde, we have the comfort of a partner to share our golden years with. And oh, how sweet it is to hear “I do”, when we ask the question “do you love me?” May it be so throughout the decades, no matter how turbulent they might be.

May we find the comfort and solace in the love of our spouses and partners, as Rabbi Abahu said about Isaac, when he took Rebecca as his wife: “When he (Issac) loves the body and is comforted by it, it is time for laughter and delight in the world” (Zohar, Hayei Sarah 19:186)
_______________
Rabbi Cantor Inna Serebro-Litvak (AJR ’16) was born in St. Petersburg, Russia. She made aliyah to Israel with her entire family. There, she pursued her undergraduate studies at the Music Academy of Tel Aviv University. After graduating, she moved to the United States and enrolled at JTS Miller Cantorial School. Rabbi Inna served as the cantor at Temple B’nai Or in Morristown, NJ and Temple Beth Am in Parsippany, NJ. While serving as the cantor at Temple Beth Am, she enrolled and completed her Rabbinic Ordination and Master’s Degree in Jewish Studies at AJR. Rabbi Inna is currently serving as the senior rabbi at Temple Shalom in Succasunna, NJ. Inna has a blog on The Times of Israel. You can read her articles (two of them were selected as Featured Post): https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/author/inna-serebro-litvak/