Parashat Ki Teitzei – 5785

A D’var Torah for Parashat Ki Teitzei

By Hazzan Rabbi Luis Cattan

As we enter the month of Elul, preparing for Rosh Hashanah, many of us begin to plan who will be seated at our festive tables — and realize also, who will not. For some, this season stirs joy. For others, it stirs old and new grief.

Rabbi Naomi Levy, a contemporary liturgist, offers a powerful “Prayer When a Parent Dies” in her book Talking to God:

“I miss you. You gave me my life. You were my protector, my teacher, my moral compass, my comfort. I feel so alone without you. No one worries about me the way you did. No one loves me the way you did… Please forgive me for the times I caused you pain, and for the times I took you for granted… I will always treasure the lessons you taught me. I will carry them with me all the days of my life. I am so proud to be your child. May God watch over you and bless you, with gentleness and with love. As you blessed me. Rest in peace. Amen.”

This prayer captures the complicated mix of gratitude and regret that so many of us feel when reflecting on our parents. It’s not always simple. The love is deep, the history sometimes heavy. Our tradition addresses this tension.

In this week’s parashah, Ki Teitzei, we encounter the mitzvah of Shiluah HaKen — sending away the mother bird before taking the eggs (Deuteronomy 22: 6–7). The Torah promises that one who fulfills this mitzvah will merit a good life and long days. Coincidentally, the only other mitzvah with the same reward is honoring father and mother (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16).

The rabbis saw in this parallel a profound message; this is why the Talmud offers these extreme examples: Dama ben Nesinah refusing to wake his father even at the cost of a fortune (Kiddushin 31a); Rabbi Tarfon bending down to serve as a step for his mother, only to be told he hadn’t yet fulfilled even half of his duty (Kiddushin 31b); Rabbi Eliezer teaching that even if a father throws his son’s purse into the sea, the son must not shame him (Kiddushin 31b).

These images emphasize that honoring parents is not only about providing food or shelter, but about protecting dignity, restraining anger, and even absorbing loss. The mitzvah demands humility and sacrifice. And yet, our tradition also recognizes the need for limits. The Gemara teaches that children are not obligated to impoverish themselves to care for their parents (Kiddushin 32a). The Shulhan Arukh (YD 240:3–4 )codifies that children must not shame their parents even under provocation, but later authorities ^[1]note that in cases of abuse or harm, distance may be necessary. The mitzvah is great, but it is not meant to eliminate the dignity or well-being of the child.

These teachings speak directly to our modern dilemmas. Do we move our parents into our homes, even if it strains our marriages or challenges our children? Do we send them to assisted living, entrusting their care to professionals? Sometimes, the true honor is not to carry every burden ourselves, but to ensure our parents are safe, well cared for, and treated with dignity — while we continue to show up with love, presence, and advocacy. Honoring parents does not mean destroying ourselves, our marriages, or our children’s stability.

By placing Shiluah HaKen alongside Kibbud Av va-Em, the Torah teaches that both compassion and obedience are sacred. Compassion for the mother bird and obedience to the heavy obligation of honoring parents. But perhaps the Torah is also hinting that we should treat our parents well, not only because we are commanded, but out of compassion. Not because we hope to gain long life either in this world or in the next, but because when we act compassionately toward our parents in front of our children, we are prolonging our own lives in a different sense. We are passing forward an example, teaching them how to treat us one day, and showing them how to weave love and respect into their own relationships.

We all know how easily we repeat the patterns we grew up with — sometimes positive, sometimes damaging. The Torah gives us the chance to break those cycles, to choose differently, and to model a better way. In Elul, as we prepare to return, we are reminded that honoring our parents is not only about obligation. It is about balance, about acknowledging the complexity of our relationships, and about striving to live with humility, gratitude, and respect — while also honoring the lives we are building with our own families.

When we engage in this mitzvah — imperfectly, honestly, and with all our heart — the Torah promises: “that it may go well with you, and that you may prolong your days.”

May we all be deserving of a long life on account of our actions and accomplishments.

^[1] Rema (on YD 240:19) and later commentaries like the Pithei Teshuvah note that while the mitzvah is absolute in principle, there are circumstances (such as abuse or harmful behavior) where the child may need to keep distance. The child must still avoid active disrespect, but self-protection and preservation of dignity are recognized as overriding needs. Modern responsa literature (e.g. Rav Moshe Feinstein, Igrot Moshe, Yoreh De’ah II:130) affirms that in cases of genuine harm, physical or psychological, children are not obligated to place themselves in danger to fulfill the mitzvah.

 

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Rabbi Ḥazzan Luis Cattan (AJR ’20) is currently serving at Sutton Place Synagogue in New York City. He is the Immediate Past President of the Cantors Assembly. As a native Uruguayan, he attended the Catholic University of Montevideo receiving his BA in Social Communication Sciences with a major in Advertising. He sought private instruction under the tutelage of renowned local teachers. Upon returning from Israel, where he spent a year studying, he started his Ḥazzanut training with different mentors in Uruguay and Argentina as well. He became the Head Ḥazzan at the NCI (the largest Conservative Synagogue in Uruguay). He also served as International Vice President of Mercaz Olami (Zionist Conservative Movement) as one of the founders of the Uruguayan Branch